Everlasting sadness

Often I get told that I have no right to be depressed, because I have a fairly decently paying job, a wife, a family that loves/supports me, … . The life some people wished they had, I guess. That however doesn’t help to get rid of this everlasting/omnipresent feeling. Whatever I do, this weird feeling follows me, eats away any other feeling. Its like falling into a pit, deeper and deeper -> day by day, with no end in sight. Like one of the nightmares I had when I was younger: I’d wake up, be in my bed, but my bedroom had no walls, it was a freestanding platform with a bed in the corner, surrounded by void on all sides, the only way to escape the platform was by jumping of it, falling into the endless void, till I got looped back to the bed and woke up again, and again, always on repeat, for night on end.

In my experience this feeling, of not being able to escape this room, is what depression feels like. Wherever I go, wherever I am, whatever I do, this nightmare follows me and nibbles pieces of me.

I’ve gone to therapists in the past, with no real effect.

The weird things is, I don’t want my life to be all that much different. Just in a few specific areas, like the location/country I live in, get rid of depression, … . Very non vital desires, that wouldn’t impact my life in a huge way, compared to someone not earning a decent wage or something and hitting the “jackpot”.

Life is weird. People are weird. Computers are weird. Everything is weird.