Explanation of depression

Today I came across this post on reddit about depression asking: “How would you describe depression to someone who’s never had it?”. Most relatable post ever, especially these 2 comments:

Imagine that you get up one day, and spend that day doing one of your favorite hobbies. You get to hang out with your friends, doing things you love. There’s good food and nothing bad happens that day. Heck, let’s even imagine the weather is perfect. And at the end of that day, doing all the things you love around the people you like in the best possible way you feel… average. OK. Not-awful.

That’s one big part of depression. It’s not that you “feel sad” more often, it’s that the whole range of your feelings shifts downward. A normal person feels bad sometimes, feels good sometimes, and feels OK or average most of the time. Depression shifts that whole window down, so that your best day is “OK”, your worst feels awful, and most of the time, you’re hurting.

And if you’re like most people, your brain is this amazing pattern-matching thing with no off-switch. Normally, if you feel angry or tired, you start looking for a cause: “Oh, I forgot to eat breakfast” or “I was really hoping my boss would like my proposal, and he didn’t” and then things make sense. But if you’re depressed, you feel awful all the time for no clear reason at all, and over time, that alone is pretty distressing.

I’ve said it before: feeling fucked-up when you’re in a fucked-up situation doesn’t mean you’re a fuck-up, it means you’re a human being. If your dad has dementia and your mom can’t walk anymore and you just put down your dog, you should feel awful. But when dad’s got caregiver and so does mom and you have a decent job and your spouse loves you and you still feel awful all the time… that’s depression. And your tireless pattern-matching brain eventually says stuff like “Hey, why don’t you blow up your job/marriage/friendships, that way at least the way you’re feeling right now will make sense!” Or, if things go on long enough, your brain will say “we’re hurting all the time. We tried doing things we like, and we still hurt. We tried not doing things, and we still hurt. So clearly, the reason we’re hurting is that we’re still existing… what if we could change that?”

-> by RodeoBob

and

Yes. Learning it’s not “I want to die” but instead “I want to not hurt and there’s only one thing that can guarantee it.”

-> by MycroftNext

Why do I search for understanding? Why do people with similar experiences or whom are experiencing the same stand out to me? Sometimes I feel like I can detect it from a mile away. Similarly some of those people get attracted (like a magnet, not physically/sexually) to me.

Maybe it is, because we know these people understand us in a way. We know they … understand us in a way … that others might not. It’s like we share a silent connection, a bond that goes beyond words. When you’ve experienced depression, you know it’s not just about feeling sad. It’s about that relentless weight that seems to hang over your shoulders day in and day out, like a shadow that refuses to leave.

I want to not hurt, and there’s only one thing that can guarantee it.

That sentence by MycroftNext struck a chord with me. It’s not about wanting to die. It’s about wanting the pain to stop. It’s about seeking relief from an unrelenting torment that no one else can see, yet it’s all too real for those who experience it, for me… .

So, why do we, do I, seek understanding? Why do we feel drawn to those who’ve walked a similar path? Perhaps it’s because they’ve been through the same shit show, and when they look at us, they don’t see our flaws but our resilience.

In a world that often stigmatizes and looks down upon mental health issues, finding someone who “gets it”, who understands is almost a necessity.

Recently wifey started working, and I felt a sliver of understanding, she felt so so terrible, she cried the whole evening relentlessly. I felt heard in a way. I felt a sliver of happiness for the first time in quite literally years.

Sad it had to happen, but thank you for feeling bad! If you ever read this (probably not).