Interview with GPT
Published on the 03 of September 2023
Can you share your personal journey with depression, including when you first noticed its symptoms and how it has evolved over time?
From my recollection, my journey with depression began in my early teens, although it wasn’t super apparent at the time. At times I felt a persistent sense of sadness and emptiness, often for no apparent reason. In my early teens, I struggled a lot with self hate and self loathing for past events (I still somewhat do).
My mother instilled the idea that I would kill someone from the age of 6-7. She probably wanted me to kill my dad. Their breakup wasn’t your usual breakup to say the least. They had been fighting for ages in court. My mother always talking negatively about my father, anything good he did was supposedly just to manipulate me. His goal was to fuck with my mind… . So since the age of 6-7 I’ve always felt unsafe around others, even those close to me. As if they’d betray me at any moment, as if they are just playing mind games. Every interaction I have with anyone, I play back at least 10 times to check if they aren’t trying to manipulate me or use me for their own benefit.
She used to be hot at times when she liked what you were doing, then extremely cold, almost violent when she felt you crossed her or any of her ideas (she has many and vast ideas). And every so often telling your kid that “You will kill someone one day. You are a knight in this dark world, here to protect those around you.”. Looking back, I don’t think there was ever a genuine interaction between us, neither did she feel the way a mom should?!?
In 2010, THE VERDICT came, court decided we couldn’t live with our mother anymore. She wasn’t able to take care of her kids. NOT according to me, but according to the court. This isn’t a normal decision, how often does a single father win court cases where the mother has taken care of the kids for their whole life? Something was clearly (and is clearly) wrong with my mother.
Only later I understood that the many visits to the police-stations, the psychologists that visited us every so often and the constant fight between my parents (and mostly in my mothers head), weren’t normal occurrences in someones childhood. Every so often, I still find myself realizing, like oh, that was just my childhood that had this(?!?), its not a part of everyone else’s?
I didn’t have a chance to be a child, I had to grow up quickly, in order to take care of my lil bro and sis. I HAD to take care of them, I did a better job then my mother ever did.
When THE VERDICT came, she decided to run away with us (me, my lil bro and lil sis). At first we stayed 1-2 months in a forest in Belgium in a little cabin, the court procedures were still going on at this point in time (but nearly came to an end), but already in hiding. As if we vanished of the earth from one day to the next. Our new neighbours would go do our groceries, sometimes look after us… . But then we were notified of what had happened, we had to run away to a country that 1. wasn’t in the european union and preferably 2. didn’t have an extradition treaty with Belgium. So we took the night train to Germany (which has many connections within europe and thus potential routes to go on). Stayed there for a day/night and took immediately a different train all the way to Zagreb(, Croatia). We didn’t stay there for long, at most a night in a weird hotel at the edge of town. Took a bus to the Plitvice lakes national park, where we stayed in a cabin for 2-4 weeks or so, used to take many walks in the national park, to this day one of the most beautiful parks ever visited.
And eventually we left for Split(, Croatia). Where we stayed for 1.5 years. We didn’t go to school, didn’t get educated, just sat at the beach half of the time and enjoyed life, whilst every second of every day, check whether or not we’re being followed.
We got caught, and eventually deported back to Belgium and where I and my lil bro went to live with my dad and older brother.
After all this, I had somewhat of a hard time getting back into school. For 1, I was an outsider (joined 2nd year of highschool). I probably was fairly weird. Which led to being not very liked. Got bullied and have been feeling guilty for thinking of taking my dads life ever since.
Since then, I’ve had some periods of ups but then every time they got followed up with longer downs.
One of the most difficult aspects of my depression journey (and still ongoing), was the feeling of isolation. I withdrew from social interactions, partly because I didn’t want to burden my friends and family with my emotional struggles. Shit is shit, no matter which way you put/display it.
Since then a lot of stuff happened, but the lows always hit way harder and are way deeper than the eventual highs.
I try not to think of the shit that’s happened in the past, but ye, in daily life there are so many reminders, in other words, its hard.
Are there any specific routines or activities that provide you with a sense of relief or happiness during difficult times?
Being alone or with my wife, going on walks, vacations, momentary things that make me forget all of the shit.
How have your friends and family members responded to your depression? What role have they played in your journey?
Most of my friends/family (I think), don’t really know what’s going on and consider me weird.
I don’t have many friends, and my older brother only seemed to come to the realization 2 or 3 days ago that I’ve been struggling with severe depression. I don’t blame him, I’ve been trying to hide it from everyone. If people ask me, I’ll always answer truthfully, most don’t bother asking.
Have you sought professional help, and if so, how has therapy impacted your experience with depression?
Hasn’t been beneficial for me.
Have you found creative outlets or hobbies that help you express your emotions or find solace during depressive episodes?
Photography, but even in non episodic moments its a nice outlet. So I just tend to always have my camera with me everywhere I go. If I see something cool/nice, it will get snapped.
Have you been involved in mental health advocacy or awareness initiatives? If so, how do you believe these efforts can benefit individuals dealing with depression?
This is somewhat what you’re referring to I guess? This whole document. How it can benefit others? No idea, maybe knowing there are other people sharing similar struggles as them is already a place of comfort?
What are some of the daily challenges you face due to depression, and how do you navigate them?
Not necessarily due to depression, but talking with people and interacting with them in a positive way requires a constant and conscious effort.
What are your goals for the future in terms of managing your depression and overall well-being?
Not sure, getting rid of it? What kind of question is this?
Either it ends me, or it ends.
Are there any resources, books, or practices that you would recommend to those seeking help or understanding?
Best way to understand the struggles is to reach out and ask questions.