Understanding

Since I was 12-13 years old, I have thought at least once about suicide every day. Which is probably the most constant thing that I’ve actively/passively been doing. Nothing in my life has been as constant as this weird abstract feeling of not wanting to be alive. Why is it so prevalent?

I have always felt as if I had to suppress my feelings, part of it was probably to avoid getting bullied and/or taken advantage of. Maybe I should get more in touch with my emotions again, but how?

A note for if you don’t understand depression:

1. no one wants to be depressed, its not a choice
2. there is most likely a cause(-s) for depression, events that …
3. either you can get out of it, or eventually you get out of it -> only 2 end stages
4. its not easy to get rid of it, you can’t just “snap out of it”
5. its not just feeling sad and low, but rather a persistent and very invasive emotion/mood that stays with you, often for months or even years
6. it is often hidden in plain sight, the person that you like to talk to, might very well be depressed, you can’t see it on someone’s façade
7. its very often misunderstood by everyone that doesn’t have it or haven’t directly come in contact with it
8. not everyone with depression wants to die

Not to say, I’d rather be anything but depressed.